Are you a People Pleaser?

You might be a people pleaser if the following apply to you:

• You prioritise others needs before your own

• You say ‘Yes’ when you would like to say ‘No’

• You do not express your needs

• You agree with others to keep the peace

• You find yourself appeasing other peoples’ unreasonable behaviour

• You feel a compulsion to take care of others even if they do not need or ask for this

• You rarely think to take care of yourself

The roots of your people pleasing might be many and varied, such as having been a young carer for a parent, having had emotionally unavailable parents, having experienced any kind of abuse or bullying. Whatever the cause, it is always helpful to be aware of your people pleasing and to work towards change.

So how can you begin to change people pleasing habits? Here are some initial ideas:

• Learn to recognise your needs, starting with the basics. Am I thirsty? Am I hungry? Am I hot or cold? Am I restless or tired? What emotions am I feeling?

• Treat each request for help like a dynamic risk assessment: Do I truly have the energy or time to spare to help? Does this person value my help or just expect it? Do I want to help this person? If saying no is difficult at first, practice saying no to smaller things initially until you get used to it and work up to bigger things.

• If you feel uncomfortable stating your opinion in the face of opposition, try to stay neutral by saying something like “I need to think about that.”

• Crucially, you can start to implement self-care. Add something you enjoy into each day; take time to rest in the knowledge that rest is vital to wellbeing; once you identify a need, try to honour it, such as a walk in nature for some peace, time for a hobby or interest, or some time to recharge your energy.

• These ideas are just the start of the work that you might find beneficial in taking better care of yourself, and therapy can be a valuable way help you find ways to understand and change your people pleasing ways.

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